Where to start… Joe and I always wanted children (him before me actually) so when we felt the time was right for the both of us we started ‘trying’. We knew it might take while and that things might not be as easy as ABC but amazingly I fell pregnant after the first month. 

I had all the symptoms (from what I had read) sore boobs, tiredness etc. but most of all that feeling of pure excitement and elation with a little bit of uncertainty thrown in.  We didn’t tell anyone apart from my mum and dad as I knew that over Christmas they would 100% wonder why I wasn’t glugging back the red wine and gorging on cheese. 

Fast forward 12 weeks, and we were sat in the waiting room at UCH waiting to have our first scan. We were SO excited but also nervous about what we were about to see and hear.   We had already given the baby a nickname, Barry! I have no idea why.

Lying down on the table with my top rolled up they proceeded to squirt to cold gel on to my tummy, I remember thinking ‘That’s a lot of gel’.  As the Dr slowly made her way up, down and around my stomach it became clear to me that she was looking for something that wasn’t there. She turned off the machine pretty quickly and sat at the edge of the bed. 

She was kind, caring and explained that there was no heartbeat and that our baby had passed about 2 weeks ago.  It was like someone had punched me in the stomach and I couldn’t breathe.  I knew this happened to people, but at the time I wasn’t aware of how common this was and how little women and men talk about their experiences.  Joe and I were beyond sad. 

We got taken outside to wait before being escorted down the stairs to the early pregnancy unit for an internal scan. I think the worst bit was waiting with all the other parents holding their newly printed scans. 

It wasn’t long before I was seen and examined. I was told I had 2 choices, 1. Wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally or 2. To have an operation to remove the baby.  I didn’t want to wait so we were booked in for 2 days later. 

I had 2 more miscarriage’s after this. 

I know this isn’t a pregnancy story but what happened to Joe and I had a humongous effect on how I acted throughout my pregnancy with Ada. 

After blood tests and examinations left right and centre the Incredible EPU at UCH found out I has something called antiphospholipid syndrome, which basically meant that with every pregnancy my blood was thickening up so much that no oxygen was getting to the baby. 

When I fell pregnant with Ada the first thing I did was head straight to see my Dr and they put me on Heparin, Aspirin, Folic Acid and Cyclogest (which we called the bum pill) I had to make light of it seeing as I was going to shove it up my bottom every day and inject myself twice a day for 10 months… But, it worked. We made it past 12 weeks with constant scans and monitoring from 6 weeks and tears and relief. I had stopped everything I loved.  Running and exercise mainly in fear that I had done something to bring the miscarriage’s on as well. 

After the 12 week scan we told people what we had been through. I thought that my friends needed to know that this does happen, and could happen to them but it’s OK to talk about it. Miscarriage isn’t spoken about enough in NCT or woman to woman and it should!

I took up running again and yoga and swimming. I ate SO well and did everything to hold onto this baby. I met an incredible yoga teacher one day who recommended ‘The Gentle Birth Method’ it changed my pregnancy and labour. It follows the same sort of principles as Hypnobirthing but it’s a lot about what you eat and drink as well. I listened to my mantras every night and pictured my safe place. I took the herbs and practised yoga every day. I LOVED it. I was calm and happy and not in the slightest bit stressed.

This went for the whole 41 weeks of my pregnancy. I have a diary that I look back on which is unbelievable.  I wrote every day to myself and to the baby which by now I knew was a little girl. One warm Sunday night I remember feeling ‘that feeling’ like something was about to happen. I drifted off early in the evening and slept all night until about 5am. I crept out of bed to head to the loo and as I got up I felt a slow trickle down my leg. It wasn’t the gush or pop I had heard about but warm and steady. I went to the loo and then then laid down on the bathroom floor. I had heard of a trick that if you then get back up slowly and it’s still flowing out then it’s your waters. I think I also had a sniff as had been told it was a sweet smell. It didn’t stop. I got back into bed without waking Joe and just took it in for about an hour. I didn’t feel any pain or discomfort yet and I just took myself away to my place and recited the GBM method in my head. 

When Joe woke up I told him and we headed straight to the hospital. Being high risk I had to head straight in and probably not come back home.When we arrived I was taken through and looked at straight away. My front waters had gone but not my back so I was allowed to head home and wait it out.  If nothing had started after 24 hours I had to come back in and stay in. Back home I felt in control and confident. We even went to the shops and got some new trainers. Joe watched telly while I bounced on my ball and listened to my visualisations. That night nothing happened. I didn’t sleep much but instead listened to sounds and bounced more on my ball.

The next day we got a cab into Euston, called my mum and dad and took ourselves off to the hospital again. I was SO calm looking back on it. I felt excited but not scared. I trusted myself. Joe had all my notes about what to talk to me about and what the midwives could and couldn’t say. He knew what to say and when which made me feel even more at ease. Nothing happened for a long time and then I consented to induction. It was O.K. actually. I was still on my ball and feeling happy and content.  I had the most amazing French midwife who gave me acupuncture on my feet and back.  I was in total control. After a day and a night with still nothing really happening we all decided that my back waters needed to be broken. I am not going to lie when I say that this was a ramp up from how I had been feeling previously. Saying that I managed to deal with the pain and muscle movement with breath alone. It became obvious after another day that Ada was playing hard to get. I was exhausted by now but still feeling like myself and aware of everything. I had an epidural after nearly 3 days of labour. I felt relief but also sad that I might not feel the push of my baby coming out. I knew I had to concentrate on her and me now and do everything in my power to make sure she came out healthy and safe. 

After the epidural Joe and I slept. My body and baby would tell me when it was time. Unfortunately though I was woken up by the heart rate monitor. She was in distress and her heart rate was going down dramatically. The emergency button was pressed and in rushed about 15 Drs and nurses. I still look back and am amazed at how calm I was. Joe by this point was not so much after being rushed into scrubs and returning to an empty room!!  He found me thank God ha. He knew what he had to do and he was amazing. 

I got taken into theatre and topped up with drugs so that I couldn’t feel a thing from my waist down.The curtain was pulled up and all I could see was the anaesthetist, Joe and my wonderful midwife. I knew I was in the best hands and that they would do everything for me and my baby girl. From the moment the emergency alarm went off to the moment she was out was 7 minutes.

I never expected a C section. I didn’t know near enough about the massive operation that had just happened to me.  Ada was taken out and cleaned and I told Joe to go and be with her as I was alright. When Joe left I remember saying to the anaesthetist ‘I am going to be alright aren’t I?’ I think the loss of blood and the drugs had hit me by then. When Ada was placed on me I felt proud of ME and of her.  The Dr told me later that she was never going to make it out vaginally as she was frontal facing and my birth canal was a different shape. We stayed in hospital for another 4 days due to my loss of blood and condition, feeding and resting and getting used to Ada. 

I love the fact I remember EVERY detail of Ada’s birth. I was never once afraid or scared and I always felt in control even when the alarm was pressed.  Joe played a huge part in making me feel safe and I couldn’t have done any of it without him.