I had you in December 2018 and you made me a mama. I spent half of my pregnancy with that hangover feeling and I spent half the other half of my pregnancy under observation as it was thought I had an LGA baby (Large Gestational Age).

As you were my first baby, I was so worried about what this meant. At a growth scan I had at 36 weeks, the Sonographer scoffed at me and actually said “good luck pushing that one out” as he left the room. I cried my heart out. From conversations with my midwife, I knew I was going to be encouraged to be induced early. I sat waiting to see the consultant in a room down the corridor for about 30 minutes but seemed to feel like forever. The consultant confirmed my worst fear. Induction and under no circumstances could I have you in a midwife led unit. I hated hospitals and I just felt this wasn’t the option I wanted. I wanted to give birth somewhere I felt relaxed. She filled me with fear around shoulder dystocia and other complications.

I had been attending hypnobirthing classes throughout my second and third trimester. I knew I wanted to provide this calm for my baby and me throughout my pregnancy.I discovered hypnobirthing in a book given to me by a friend. I remember thinking how hippy like it sounded as a headline but read it anyway. I was glad I did. It talked about science, about deep relaxation, about breathing techniques, about visualisation and affirmation. It talked about confidence and choice and used words that embodied power rather than pain. For example, you refer to contractions as surges. I no longer felt scared or anxious, but instead felt empowered and prepared for my birth. Until the consultant shattered my dream of a natural birth.

The hypnobirthing classes were the perfect way to breathe away a week at work and focus on me and my unborn baby. It wasn’t always about your body and mind but also the support and solidarity of the girls you were with. Even in my third trimester when everything ached and the last thing I felt like doing was rolling around on my mat, the pull of chatting about chips and cheese, laughing about how little pelvic floor we had done that week, chatting through our worries with positivity and eating biscuits with the girls got me in the car. 

As a first time mum, I found the support and advice was enough to keep me positive about birth and to empower me to make decisions during my pregnancy. I remembered the affirmation “I trust my body can birth my baby”. I just knew I could do this. I am 6ft2, as is Mike. It was no wonder we had a baby on the larger size really was it? Why was everyone so worried? I had my booking in session at local midwife centre at 37 weeks. I toyed with cancelling it as I felt it would be another opportunity where I would build up hope for it to be dashed. However, after some reflection, I figured there was no harm going if they could give me a second opinion.

I talked to them and whilst they said they couldn’t sign off my birth there, they did suggest I got a second opinion from a consultant at another hospital and after a call or two, booked this in for me. I remember feeling so taken aback with their kindness. I knew they understood how important it was for me to try this myself. I went along to see the most wonderful consultant who held my hand and dried my tears. She told me the hospital policy was not to do early inductions for LGA babies but I would have to be induced if I went over 42 weeks. I thought it was a decent trade off. Despite it being out of scope in terms of policy (I was essentially too late to transfer), she signed me over to the new hospital at 38+3 weeks. I felt back in control.

For me, that was so important. Being in control allowed me to feel calm and collected, without a cloud hanging over me. I wanted and needed my body to be relaxed. I went back to nesting, enjoying the usual pre-Christmas festivities and waiting in sweet anticipation. 

To help me prepare for the birth of my baby, I attended an additional birth prep and hypnobirthing class and convinced my other half to come with me. I am sure he would have rather spent an evening in the pub with his friends, but it was really important to me that he was involved and understood my preferences for birth as my birth partner. I think he actually got more from it than I did! I

was so confident and calm about labour that I didn’t feel the need to attend any other antenatal classes. We used the techniques we learned to write our birth preferences in preparation for the big day.

I gave birth at 40+3. I remember the day before so well. Looking back, I am not sure how I didn’t know that the day after would be the day. I scrubbed my kitchen floor that day with the little yellow and green sponge. It was the day people call Mad Friday. Mike had asked me if I would pick him up from the tram stop when he had finished work. I had two Christmas presents left to buy to be ready for Christmas. I agreed to pick up Mike from the tram stop if he agreed to come to the Trafford Centre with me. He said he was tired and didn’t want to go and proposed we went tomorrow. We had a mini disagreement about this because I thought tomorrow, being the last weekend before Christmas would just be even worse. I backed down and we went home.

I made stir fry for dinner and said I wanted to eat at the table as I was sick of eating on the sofa, mainly because it had become a running joke that I was always dropping food on my bump and I was no longer able to put a plate on my knee. I sat down and did exactly the same, I couldn’t get close to the table. I was massive. I just burst into tears. Mike got me up, made me comfy in the armchair by the fire and brought me some Ben & Jerrys, the whole tub. Theo (our cat) jumped up and sat with his paw on my bump all night, whilst we watched TV.

We talked about getting up the next morning, braving the Trafford Centre to get the last presents, coming back to our local town, getting brunch and going on a long walk to get this baby on the way. I really liked the idea of the baby coming before Christmas Day. I couldn’t imagine Christmas without a glass of red and a cheese board!

We went to bed around half 11 that night, I didn’t feel tired at all but I must have drifted off. I woke up and felt like I needed to turn over. I was so big, this was a chore in itself. I had to sit up to do it. I sat up and felt my waters go. I grabbed the sheet at the bottom of the bed to plug myself as I didn’t want to get it on my new landing carpet and ran to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet thinking, this is it. I shouted Mike, a few times. No response. Annoyed, I walked back to the bedroom to wake him. He told me if I didn’t need to go to the hospital yet that I should try to go back to sleep. Funnily enough, I didn’t feel this was an option. I called the hospital and as I hadn’t started regular surges, they said if I didn’t need to come in early, to come in in around 6 hours, around 7am. Because it was Christmas and they had less staff than normal, they said I would have to triage at the hospital but if I wanted to I could transfer to the stand alone birth unit. I decided to run a bath to keep the oxytocin flowing. I filled the room with music from my birth playlist and essential oils. I put some fresh pjs and went downstairs. The surges started to flow thick and fast. Mike wondered if it was time to call my mum, who was my other birthing partner. I had heard that it could take hours to get to active labour and I didn’t want to call her prematurely, especially so late in the night. It took around 20 calls to wake her!

She pulled up outside my house like an ambulance, I could see her flashing hazard lights through the curtains. I told Mike to get her to turn them off and park off, I wasn’t going anywhere. I asked her to make me some tea and toast whilst I sat on my birth ball listening to my affirmations to get me through the surges. As they became more powerful I moved to a more grounding position of all fours and I hit the golden number. My app told me it was time to go to hospital.

I got in the car and the journey of 15 mins felt like forever. I hated every minute of being sat back and not feeling grounded. I got through triage and they said I could transfer to the midwife led unit. I chose the midwife unit on site at the hospital as I couldn’t bear the thought of getting in the car again. I fell in love with my midwife ten times over during labour. She was amazing and I felt incredibly lucky to have her. She helped me into the birthing pool and allowed me to labour alone with minimal observations. I stayed at 4cm for a few hours and despite the calm, my labour was not progressing. When the baby’s heart rate become higher than she liked, she made a trade off with the consultant in the Obs led unit downstairs that rather than being induced to speed things up, that they would put your heartbeat on a monitor in a room on my own and she would stay with me. I put my birth playlist on and zoned out, starting to use deep breathing. I used humming bee breath and I went off into my own little world. Your heart rate came down but I was still 4cm. I remember coming back to consciousness and lucidly hearing “if she doesn’t progress in the next 20-30 minutes, we think it’s best to discharge her”. I couldn’t believe my ears. There was NO way I could get back in that car feeling the surges this strong.

I don’t know what happened but it happened so quickly. Surges became faster and I knew you were coming. I moved from hanging over the edge of the bed to dropping to my knees, without thinking, like an instinct you cannot describe. The pressure felt intense, I felt something that I can only describe as utter ecstasy. I felt brilliant, I felt strong. I remember saying to the midwife I needed to push. My deep breaths progressed to something that I can only describe as a moo like a cow. I remember hearing my midwife say she is ready and she said after she couldn’t believe how quick it progressed. I went from 4cm to having my baby within the hour. I pushed three times and you were in my arms. My baby.

Having kept your gender a surprise, I was holding my little girl. All 9lb 8oz of you.

Whilst there was complications, I gave birth to you naturally and safely, contrary to medical opinion.